remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
