my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
