i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
