I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
