i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
