thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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