I cannot find my penis.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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