my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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