I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
