the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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