i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
