i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
