I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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