there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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