I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
