its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
