yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Enjoy the penises
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
