Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
