I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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