You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Another day, another engagement, another cat
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
