Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If I die, sorry about rent.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
