in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
