i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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