I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
