well I can't set my house on fire every night
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
