Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
