i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
