My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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