I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
