I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
