I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
