So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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