Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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