All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
