When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
