I'm gonna have a badass scar
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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