the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
