Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
honey bunches of taint.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
