Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
