So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
