How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
