Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
