just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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