dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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