There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize