Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My feet surprised me
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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