Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
