the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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