I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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