if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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