My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
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