Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
