just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize