I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toyâ€
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