Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
