they need to just BURY HIM!
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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