Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
