Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize