Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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