You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
