You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The feeling are messing with the penis
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
