Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize