I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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