I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
