We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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