hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
