Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize